Dear Stuart, I'm Doing Fine
by fstigtmsb
Summary: A story of young woman dealing with the loss of her husband and moving on in life.


We were suppose to have the rest of our lives together. This wasn't suppose to happen. I wasn't suppose to be alone at 32. He wasn't suppse to be gone at 35. It wasn't fair. We had our whole life left, and now...now it had been ripped away.

I never felt so alone in my life. I never felt so empty and lost inside. I never wanted to give up before. There was one thing that kept me going, my children Garrett and Lucy. They were all I had left, all I cared about. Without them I'd surely go crazy.

Stuart was everything to me, and now he was gone. I felt I had nothing for the first couple months. I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want anyone around. The children spent most the time over at my mother's.

I locked myself in my room, shut the blinds, turned off the lights and sat in the dark praying to die. But I never did die. All I was, was angry and alone.

I met Stuart my freshman year in college. We had a semi mutual friend. My best friend Kerry was dating his brother Kath.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. Kerry wanted me to meet Kath, she was so sure that he was the one, although they had only been going out a couple months.

I had told her I didn't want to be a third wheel. So Kath invited Stauart to come alone. Reluctantly I agreed. It wasn't that I didn't want to meet Kath, I did. I'm just not a fan of being third wheel or being set up. Which I knew Kerry would try to do.

The day came to meet Kath and Stuart. Surprisingly I was both excited and nervous when the time came. Kerry and I were sitting at a table at a small quiet cafe when Kath and Stuart walked in. They were good looking, was the first thing I noticed. Kerry waved them over.

Kath greeted us, me with a handshake and Kerry with a kiss. Kath was tall and average built with brown eyes and dark wavy hair.

Stuart shook both Kerry's and my hands. He was a little taller than Kath, thin built with olive green eyes and light wavy hair. They didn't look much like brothers at all, which I always found kind of funny. Stuart was quieter than Kath. But I was immeditly drawn to Stuart. And I ended up being really glad I had come.

I almost faked being sick and cancelling. I laugh about that now because later I found out that Stuart was concidering doing the same thing. Kath and Kerry kept mentioning things Stuart and I might have in common. Turns out there was a lot. We both loved the beach, skiing, swimming, hiking, just being out doors. We also loved writting, music, going to a good movie and fine dinning.

By the end I found myself attracted to Stuart and expressed interest in getting to know him better. He agreed that it would be nice.

Now 14 years later I was all alone. Alone in my sorrow and grief. Kerry would always tell me that Garrett and Lucy were with me. Yes, they lost their father, but it isn't the same. Garrett was seven and Lucy was three. Stuart and I talked about having a third, but now that was not to be.

My mom finally had enough of my endless misery and one day drove me to a shrink. It was there that Dr. Elton Kinder told me to write letters to Stuart. Just to get it all out on paper. He told me that it had helped him when three years eariler he lost his wife. Though I thougt it crazy, I went to the store bought a journal and went home.

_ Dear Stuart,_

_ How can you leave me like this? The doctors believe there was hope. Why didn't you? Did you think about what I would be going through? What Garrett would go through? Lucy is still young to understand. I'm 32 and I don't understand. I know you were sick for 18 months. But I miss you Stuart. I miss you so much it hurts._

_ When I close my eye I still feel you. But when I open them all that remainsis sorrow and pain. I wish it was me who died. I wish I was dead. But wishing doesn't make it a reality. I love you Stuart. I'm doing dine._

I'm doing fine? Truth, I was anything but fine. But those were the words I wrote. Just as I write this now for Garrett and Lucy.

Six weeks after Stuart and I met I travelled with him to Los Angeles on a business trip. He was just getting over a nasty bout of the flu when we went. He decided he wanted to get out for a little while.

"I don't think ti's a good idead. You're still trying to get well." I said.

Stuart then gave me his puppy dog eyes and I agreed. "If you get sick again, you can't say I didn't warn you."

Stuart coughed a little and smiled. I think he was trying to laugh, but it came out as a coughing fit. I just came him a concerned look.

"I'm fine. Come on, I can't be held hostage by this room any longer."

It was chilly but beautiful as we walked out of the hotel down to the beach. We walked hand in hand and I remember thinking I had to be the luckiest girl alive. I was so in love with Stuart and kne he loved me back just as much as I loved him.

Stuart had a couple more coughing fits and each time I'd suggest we go back to the room. But each time Stuart refused. Finally after about a hald hour of walking and talking Stuart stopped.

"Morgan, I love you."

"I love you too."

"Let me finish. I love you. I've been in love before, even engaged. But never have I been in love like this. This love I have goes so deep, deeper than I could ever imagine."

"Stuart, are you breaking up with me?" I teased.

"No, I want to marry you."

At the time Kerry and Kath were almost engaged and I wondered if Stuart was trying to beat his brother to the punch. Yet at the sme time, I hoped he was sensere for I wanted to marry him so badly.

_Dear Stuart,_

_ I often think back on the dark days now that you're gone. It's so hard to remember the good days. But when I do remember the good it's what gets me through. I remember the look on your face when you asked me to marry you. At first I said no, and I'll tell you why. I was 19 and very young.I'd never really been in love beofre. And the fact you'd been engaged before then broke it off worried me. It scared me even. Believe me, I wanted to marry you, but I also wanted to grow up. I didn't want to hurt you. They only peace I have now is you came back to me. I wish you could come back to me once again. Dear Stuart, I'm doing fine._

So yes the first time there on the beach in Los Angeles I told Stuart no. I wanted to see places, get an educations, or at least be farther than just a freshman when I got married.

Stuart and I hardly talked going back to the hotel. I cried most of the way. We didn't even hold hands. When we returned home we both agreed it ould be best if we took a break from each other. It was hard, especially with Kerry and Kath still dating. I even distanced myself from them. That was hard too. Kerry was more like a sister to me, more than my own sisters.

"Mom I love him. But he's three years older and been engaged before." I sobbed one day when I went over to visit. "Why did I tell him no?"

I questioned my answer a lot in the beginning. But after a couple months I decided I needed a new change. I transfered schools and moved to California. It was a difficult decision, but the right one.

I wasn't ready to date again, but I did end up meeting a guy I enjoyed hanging out with named Michael Casper. He in his physical looks he reminded me of Kath. Tall, dark and handsome. But he was built like Stuart, thin and lean.

After about five months of taking it slow I realized I was quite fond of Michael and the more I was with him the less I'd think about Stuart. One day around this realization Kerry called to tell me she and Kath were engaged and wanted me to be the maid of honor. I told her yes, but asked if I could bring a guest.

Curious as her mind is I spent the next two hours telling her about Michael.

"Sounds like you're in love with him." I could tell she was smiling when she said it.

"Just strong in like."

"Morgan, I've known you since we were in diapers. You can't hide it from me."

Was Kerry right? Was I in love with Michael? I hadn't thought about it really. But now that I was thinking about it, maybe I was. Then I started to wonder about Stuart.

"How's Stuart?"

"Fine."That was all she said then turned the conversation to her big wedding plans.

_Dear Stuart,_

_ I've distance myself once again from Kerry and Kath. It's just too hard seeing how close we all were. This has been the worst five months of my life. I love you. I miss you. I'm doing fine._

I asked Michael to the wedding, but he couldn't make it. I don't him I understood ut I was disappointed. I also told that I loved him.

"You what?" He asked shockingly.

"I love you." I repeated.

"You love me? I can't believe it. The woman I love, loves me back!" He said excitingly.

I just laughed, "I love you." I said again.

_ Dear Stuart,_

_ I don't believe that I'll ever love again. The love I have for you is unmeasureale. I've loved before, but never near as deeply as I love you. You were my sunshine. And now the sun doesn't shine anymore. You were my light in the dark. Now my workd is darkened forever. Stuart Higler Gregson I'll never love anyone but you. I'm doing fine._

I'm not sure why I ended every entry with "I'm doing fine". Maybe I wanted something to believe in.

I finally felt happy for the first time in a while. I didn't want anything to change. I felt like I was on cloud nine. And I told myself if Michael asked me to marry him I would right then and there.

Two days before I left for Kerry's wedding I said my goodbye to Michael.

"Before you go I want to tell you something." He said.

"What?"

"I love you. But I want you to think before you answer, answer me when you get back. Promise?"

"I promise."

"Will you marry me?"

I wanted to jump up and down and shout "YES!" But instead I just kissed him and smiled. "I'll tell you when I get back, but you already know the answer."

_ Dear Stuart,_

_ It's strange how one event can change a whole life. Kerry and Kath's wedding for example threw my world upside down. And now it's upside down again with your death. Stuart come and turn it right side up again. You did it once. Tell me at least how to do it. I'm doing fine._

As magical as the wedding was for the bride and groom it was life changing for me. I never expected that wedding weekend to end up the way it did. Not that I'm complaining. It's just up until the wedding I saw myself marrying Michael. The wedding weekend changed that. And it changed as soon as I saw Stuart.

We met up for a wedding brunch before the rehersal. It was the first time I'd seen Stuart in about nine months. And he looked even better than I remembered. There he was in tan slacks and a light brown plaid short sleeved shirt. I was almost nervous to talk to him. Thankfully he approched me.

He had a young woman with him. She was about 5'4", strawberry blonde hair that went just past her shoulders, light blue eyes and fair complection. An attractive woman nonetheless.

"Morgan, how have you been?"

"Busy with school. You?"

"Busy with work." The woman then nudged him in the side. "Oh yeah, this is Gretta."

Gretta? As in ex-fiance Gretta? I wondered but didn't ask. I was sure it was. If they were back together, than I was happy for them. Besides I had Michael back in Californina.

_ Dear Stuart, _

_ You've always had a way about you that just drew people in. And I am no wasn't just your dreamy looks, it was how you treated people. How you made others feel important. How you brought others up, not put them down. That's what you did. Why so many people loved you. Why so many people miss you. I'm doing fine._

That night at the rehersal Stuart asked if we could talk afterwards. I agreed to. I have to admit I was a bit nervous about the talk. I'm not sure why. Maybe a part of me wanted him back.

"Beautiful day for a wedding." Stuart said.

I nodded.

"You okay?"

I nodded again.

"You've hardly said three words to me since you got here."

"Gretta's pretty. You back together?"

Stuart shook his head. "Just friends. How about yourself? You seeing anyone?"

"Michael Casper out at school."

Stuart looked disappointed. "Do you love him?"

"I wasn't trying to, Stuart. I never sought anyone out. Stuart, he's asked me to marry him."

"What did you say?"

"Nothing. He wanted me to answer him after the wedding."

Stuart, like I thought it was a little strange Michael would asked to wait. Stuart then took my hand and pulled me close into him. My heart pounded. My mind wondered to what it would be like to make love to him again. To feel his lips on mine. To truly feel him engulf me where our two bodies became one.

Stuart leaned into me closer and closer. I knew what he was about to do and I couldn't stop it. Nor did I really want to. In that moment I wanted Stuart badly. Before I could think straight Stuart kissed me. It was a kiss I'll never forget. I melted into it and kissed him back.

It was a kiss like never before. It was then I realized Stuart had never stopped loving me. That he'd never stop loving me. I pulled back. "Stuart...I'm almost engaged. I can't." I whispered.

"Is Michael what you really want? Does he make you feel good? Make you laugh? Does he make you happy?"

Truth is the answer was yes to all of that. But it was different with Stuart. Stuart could read me like no one ever had. Granted other than Stuart and Michael I hadn't really been with anyone else.

_ Dear Stuart,_

_ Throughout my life there has been no one who has made me feel the way you did. You knew me sometimes better than I knew myself. You knew what I needed eight when I needed it. Wither it be advice or an embrace. No one could ever make me freer or happier like you could. You were my light in the world. Now that light is out forever. I'm doing fine._

I know I should have told Stuart yes to the questions he asked. But for some reason while still in his arms being so close to him I couldn't. I couldn't say anything at all. I truly did love Michael and I wanted to marry him. But in that moment all thoughts of Michael went by the way side and I leaned in and kissed Stuart again.

One thing led to another that night. I never thought of myself as someone who'd cheat. I never intended to cheat on Michael. I never intended to have it go as far as it did with Stuart that night.

The next morning I pulled Kerry aside and told her that Stuart and I had a very passionate love making the night before.

"You're practically engaged to Michael."

"I know."

"I thought you loved Michael?"

"I do love him."

"So what about Stuart? Do you love him too?"

"Kerry, I think a part of me will always love Stuart. You never forget your first love. But I love Michael more now. At least I think I do. Maybe last night was just a great, amazing and wonderful night. Maybe it didn't mean anything."

Kerry looked at me and laughed. She and I both kne the night before meant something. What I wasn't sure. But something.

The rest of the day is a bit of a blurr. I helped get Kerry ready and all. But my mind was clouded with thoughts of Stuart and Michael. After the wedding Stuart came up to me and took my hand. He quietly told me there was something he wanted me to see in the coat room. Instead once again we ended up making love.

I knew I'd likely have to break things off with Michael. As much as I wanted to, I knoew I couldn't marry him if I could so easily make love to another man. The day after the wedding I went back to California. I dreaded what I knew I had to do.

I didn't see Michael until the third day after I came back. I had been avoiding what had to be done. I had to break his heart. We met at a small cafe near campus. Man he looked good, and I had second thoughts aout what I was there to do.

Michael greeted me with and hug and kiss on the cheek. "I'd give you a real kiss, but I think I'm getting sick."

Great he didn't feel well to top it all off. "I'm sorry. We can talk some other time if you aren't feeling well."

"I'm fine. Or I will be fine. So have you thought about what I asked you?"

Almost the first thing out of his mouth I was hoping to prolong the heartache. I just looked up at him in silence. Then tears welded up in my eyes. I could see that Michael must have known some of what I was about to say.

"I'm so sorry Michael. Before I would have said yes without a doubt or question in my mind. But if I say yes now after what I've done it wouldn't be right or fair." I sobbed.

Michael looked at me and said nothing for a while. Then he asked me what I did.

"With a heavy heart I tell you this Michael. But first understand I never intended any of it to happen. I do love and care for you very much."

"But?"

"I cheated on you. Stuart was there and one thing led to another. I never meant for it to happen. I don't want to hurt you. I do love you."

Michael had gone white like a ghost for a few seconds. The he was beat red. I can't blame him for being angry. I would too had I been in his shoes. Then he went back to his normal color.

"Morgan, if you truly loved me, you wouldn't have cheated. If you had truly been over Stuart, the tempation would not have been there."

"You're right about me not being over Stuart I guess. But I do love you Michael. And the last thing I want to do is hurt you." I continued to sob.

Michael reached across the table and took my hand. "I believe you didn't want to hurt me. But I don't know you Morgan. I can't forgive you for this. Not now. I'm sorry, but I have to take back my question. I love you. But clearly you're in love with someone else." Michael got up and kissed me on the check and left.

I didn't really expect to see Michael again except for the one class we had together. For a while I found going to that class really difficult cause I still cared for Michael greatly.

After the semister was over I decided to go home for a while. I didn't think about anything happeneing with Stuart and I.

_Dear Stuart._

_ When I came back home after I didn't believe you'd take me back. But I thank God everyday that you did. And I knew that if ever you were to ask me to marry you again I'd say yes. I wish missing you didn't hurt so much. I need to get aay somehow for a while. From everything that reminds me of you. Even get away from the kids. I'm doing fine._

When I got home I spent much time with Kerry and my other best friend Lousia Arthur. Though I felt a little like a third wheel being the only one still single. One time when I was out with them Kerry got an emergency phone call from Kath. Stuart had een in a serious car accident and was in critical condition at the hospital.

"Morgan, Stuart's in the hospital. You should go to him."

Kerry drove me over. I wasn't told much mostly cause I think I wasn't family. Thankfully Stuart's injuries weren't as severe ast hey first thought. Kerry ad I went into his room to see him. He looked so pale and broken. Tubes were like everywhere. It broke my heart to see him that way. I vowed right then to never see him like that again.

Sadly that is a vow I didn't keep. As much as I prayed to God, I'd once again see my Stuart in a similar condition just before he died.

I was a little nervous the first time I saw Stuart out of the hosptial. But he seemed glad to see me. It was a rather quiet visit until he asked about Michael.

"I don't see an engagement ring."

"I'm not engaged. Michael and I broke up."

"When?"

"After the wedding."

"Why? Did you tell him aout us? You didn't have to. It was just a fling."

Just a fling? That stung. "A fling? Stuart, that is all I am to you? I hurt Michael for nothing? I felt something in our kisses and love making that I'd never felt before. And you say it was just a fling?"

Stuart came closer to me. "No fling. I love you Morgan. I always have always will. But I've built a shield around myself when it comes to you."

I almost asked why but had a feeling I already knew the anser. He came closer where our bodies were toching and my blood ran hot with excitment I can't describe.

"Stuart..."

"Don't speak." Stuart said. He just looked at me for a long while not saying anything. He then took me in his arms still just staring deep into my eyes.

_Dear Stuart,_

_ When I'm asleep I still feel you. I can feel your eyes burn into mine with a fearce look of love and passion you always gave me. Everything you had, you gave. You never held anything ack. I must get away for a while. I can't stay where everything reminds me of you. I'm doing fine._

I had been debationg whether or not to go back to California or transfer back home. I throughly enjoyed my summer spending much time with Stuart and falling more deeply in love with him, than the first time around. I'd known Stuart would never leave me before, but now I had no doubt. Whatever questions I had aout his broken engagement I no longer thought about.

Stuart was mine and I was his. I didn't want to part from him. I was now 21 and so much in love. I was so much in love I almost asked Stuart to marry to me. Thankfully he beat me to it.

"Morgan, don't go back to California."

"Why?"

"I love you. I need you here. I want you here." He said.

" How will you make me stay?" I smiled.

"I can't make you. But I can ask you to be my wife."

I went white and dropped my jay. My third marriage propsal and only 21. But as the saying goes, "third time is a charm".

"What?"

"Morgan, will you marry me?"

This time I didn't tell him no. I leaned into him close and softly said yes in his ear. You shouldn have seen his reaction. It was almost if he didn't believe I said yes. Hen then asked really. I smiled and nodded my head. "Yes Stuart, really."

Kerry and Kath weren't surprised to hear the news. No one was really. They were all happy but not surprised.

Stuart and I married in October of that year. It was a sunny New York day, Kerry was my maid of honour as my sisters Alicia and Kate and my friend Lousia were my bridesmaids. The church was small and our guests were few, but all that mattered was the man standing at the end of the aisle waiting for me.

Stuart looked wonderful in his black tux with a forest green vest and tie. He had tears in his eyes during the ceromony the whole way through. His vow was beautiful and I knew that he'd be with me always, even in death.

That winter Stuart came down with walking pnemounia. I did my best to take care of him. I however, started to feel sick myself. (PG 23)


End file.
